I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels like this, but after my trip to America, I have had some trouble with finding myself. Though I’m so much more confident in who I am, I have no idea of what I want out of life.
I went away, I didn’t know anybody, I created a whole new life with new amazing people and then I left it. It feels like none of it ever even happened. It feels like a dream or something that I just imagined and made up in my head. All of the things that I experienced were such clichés, some things seemed to have been taken straight from a movie. Everything was so different, everything is so different. I’m not sure that those who are reading this are able to relate to these thoughts but I wanted to share how I feel right at this moment.
I’ve been home for almost eight months and sometimes, it feels longer, sometimes shorter. Several days, I wake up feeling like I went to my first volleyball practice yesterday, that I walked those halls, hurrying to class in that huge crowd of high schoolers, sat with my friends during pep-assemblies etc. It’s a strange feeling, and I get this question all the time; “How was your year?”. I mean, how could I ever sum that up in a couple of sentences so that someone would be able to understand what I went through at some times, what I loved and enjoyed some times? It’s awful and heartbreaking but so comforting at the same time. I know that it’s impossible for anyone to every truly understand what I experienced, which is sad but that makes it even more special for me in some ways because I’m the only one who knows.
I have five more months of school here in Sweden before I have to make a choice about what I want to do during/after the summer. And you know what? I have no clue. And after going on this journey, I have learned how big the world is and how places can be so different from each other. There are people out there to get to know, things to do, countries to visit. But “You have to get a job”, “You have to get an education”. Yes, I am aware of that, and I plan on having an extraordinary future, I just don’t know how yet. And you know what? That is actually okay, I don’t have to know how my life is going to play out. Because not knowing, makes it so much more interesting to experience.
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